True Funny News Stories
These stories are merely meant to amuse, not to belittle any of the people involved.
There used to be links to these stories, but the news source they came from no longer exists, so they're here in full without links. (They're not current news stories.)
The third century book of gags from the Roman Empire is written in Greek and entitled Philogelos, which translates as Laughter Lover.
Professor Mary Beard says it debunks the popular myth that the Romans were 'pompous, toga-wearing bridge builders'.
"A lot of the books written during the Roman Empire were written in Greek and although they might not be side-splittingly funny, they do give us a fascinating insight," she told the Daily Telegraph.
Prof Beard, who came across it while researching ancient humour for a book, said the jokes were categorised into themes including 'the absentminded professor' and 'the charlatan prophet'.
"One of my favourite jokes from the book, and probably one of the longest, is about a barber, a professor and a bald man," she added.
Another dating back to 248AD when Rome held what was billed as the 'Millennium Games' - tells the story of a distraught athlete: "Never mind," says a spectator. "You can always try again at the next Millennium Games."
There is also an ancient version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch.
It reads: "A man buys a slave, who dies soon after. When he complains, the slave seller replies, "Well, he didn't die when I owned him"."
The 145mph ecoF3 has a steering wheel made of carrots, a body made of potatoes and a seat made of soybeans.
It is the first Formula 3 racing car designed and made from sustainable and renewable materials, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Designers hope the technology used in their car will be adopted by Formula 1 teams such as McLaren and Ferrari.
It uses plant-oil based lubricants and a biodiesel engine capable of running on chocolate and vegetable oil.
Vegetable fibres are mixed with resins to produce the car parts and the oils in the chocolate are refined to produce fuel.
The WorldFirst team, from Warwick University, hope racing chiefs will change the rules so they can compete in races next season.
The engine fails to meet current regulations because of its unusual fuel.
A team spokesman said: "We hope the Formula 1 teams will see that an environmentally friendly car is not necessarily a slow car.
"We expect our new materials to be used by the Formula 1 cars of the future."
A survey of CV blunders reveals that job applicants are blowing their chances with gaffes such as listing their interests as "cooking dogs".
Experts found that 94% of job hunters risked missing out on vacancies through CV blunders such as poor spelling, grammar or presentation on their CVs.
Failure to use the comma led to embarrassing disclosures such as: "My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people."
In some cases, applicants' attempts to impress potential employers failed through the odd missed word, with phrases such as: "I was responsible for dissatisfied customers."
For others, the omission of a single letter consigned their CV to the dustbin: "I am a pubic relations officer."
From a sample of 450 CVs, researchers found that 81% were laden with spelling and grammatical errors, while nearly half were poorly laid out.
A mere six per cent were error-free, the study by career advisers Personal Career Management (PCM) concluded.
Mistakes were not confined to applicants for menial roles either - many of the CVs riddled with errors were drafted by CEOs, professionals and recent graduates, researchers said.
Corinne Mills, managing director of PCM, said: "Many of the people whose CVs end up in the waste paper bin are perfectly capable of doing the job. However, a poor CV means they will not get the opportunity to prove it.
"Why would anyone want to employ a lawyer or a secretary who makes spelling mistakes or errors? If they can't pay attention to their own CV, why would you trust them to work on any of your documents?"
The file containing Mr Brown's toilette routine was inside an aide's rucksack found in the back of a black cab at King's Cross station in London.
The confidential documents, handed to The Sun by the cab driver, also contained notes on how to tackle the expenses controversy and a schedule for Mr Brown's visit to Yorkshire.
The make-up instructions were as follows:
1. Transparent Brush. Foam all over.
2. Small pot under eyes, dimple, creases, blend in.
3. Clinique. Super balanced make-up. All over again, like painting a wall, and ears. Shut eyes over lids then with make-up pad smooth over liquid.
4. Powder (dark brush) terracotta Guerlain, all over.
A Downing Street spokesman said: "The bag was left by a junior member of staff and was returned."
A woman dialled 999 after she thought she could hear someone being tortured at the woodland near Elmstein, western Germany.
But 'victim' Roland Hofmann was astonished when armed police surrounded his car which he had driven into the forest and ordered him to give himself up and release his hostage.
He told police he had gone to the forest to read "in peace and quiet".
"We realise that people think the sound of Germans laughing is unusual, but we're sure the caller meant well," said one officer.
"We received a letter saying ‘To Mr Adam Ries’ on it, with the request to pay his television and radio fees," said Annegret Muench, who now heads a club honouring the mathematician, which uses the house as its HQ.
Miss Muench returned the letter to the GEZ with a note explaining the request had come too late, as Ries had died in 1559. But she still received a reminder a few weeks later.
Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious 'Prawo Jazdy' had always produced his documents - but with a different address each time.
However, they have now discovered that 'Prawo Jazdy' is Polish for driving licence, reports Metro.
An internal Garda memo, reported in Irish papers, said officers taking details of Polish traffic offenders had been mistakenly using 'Prawo Jazdy', printed in the top right corner of the driving licence, as the holder's name.
"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence," the police memo said.
"It is quite embarrassing to see the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities."
A Garda spokesman declined to comment on the reports.
Police say John Szwalla entered the shop in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, with the banana concealed under his T-shirt and demanded money, reports the BBC.
The shop’s owner and customers overcame the thief and called for help, but the teenager ate his banana before police arrived.
Officers joked they may charge the 17-year-old with destroying evidence.
Bobby Ray Mabe, the owner of the store, said police officials took pictures of the banana skin instead.
"If he had had a gun he would’ve shot me," Mr Mabe told the Winston-Salem Journal newspaper. "But he had a banana."
Mr Szwalla has been charged with attempted armed robbery.
The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.
The man was charged with using offensive language after he hurled abuse at police during a trip to Auckland.
Community Magistrate Robyn Paterson at Tauranga District Court ordered him to spend a day at a pig farm and present a short essay on his experiences, reports The Bay of Plenty Times.
According to the newspaper, he wrote: "I was very, very drunk. I have stopped drinking because of what happened. I have wasted the police's time and my time."
He maintained the word pig could be found in the Oxford dictionary and was often used to describe police.
But added he had learned 'that there is nothing at all in common with a pig and an officer'.
Joanna James, 28, was allegedly clocked as she drove along a road in Bridgend earlier this month.
The mother-of-three, who bought the silver-coloured car for £100 in June, said it started to shake when it reached the motorway speed limit of 70mph.
A spokeswoman for the South Wales Safety Camera Partnership said the speed given on the ticket was down to a clerical error and a rectified notice, stating 48mph, had been issued.
Mrs James, who had her three-year-old daughter Chloe in the car with her on the night of the alleged offence, said she had been shocked when the letter arrived because she had not believed she had been speeding at all.
"Then my husband said, 'Hang on, you were doing 480mph," said Mrs James, of Sandfields, Port Talbot.
Her husband, Kenneth, who carries out mechanical work on the car, said: "I am waiting for Nasa to ring up for the diagram of the engine."
Curtis Johnson, from Cary, faces four charges in relation to an incident in July.
It's alleged he scratched and pushed a police officer after a traffic stop.
Johnson claims he's not a US citizen - but a separate country.
He says the state's attorney doesn't have the jurisdiction to prosecute because he has diplomatic immunity.
Johnson is currently free on bail and is due in court on October 7.
The 38-year-old man, who has not been named by police, jumped into the empty ambulance after he spotted the keys in the ignition.
He drove to his girlfriend's flat in Jesi, near Ancona, switched on the siren and began singing romantic love songs.
Police were called by neighbours complaining about the noise and arrested the man.
A police spokesman said: "This has to be one of the most bizarre cases we have ever had to deal with.
"When we asked him why he had taken the ambulance he was quite open and said he wanted to serenade his girlfriend.
"He said he couldn't play any instrument, and he wanted a memorable way to romance the girl.
"Unfortunately his idea didn't go down well with the neighbours or the hospital, who wanted their ambulance back immediately."
Police in Bihar dish out the humiliating punishments instead of taking offenders to court, reports Newindpress.com.
For the most popular punishment, leapfrog, speeding truck drivers have to sit on their haunches, hold their ears and hop for almost half a kilometre.
And the drivers are made to chant the name of the political leader they like most while they are being punished.
One policeman was quoted as saying: "If they remember their leader when they are being punished, it's like they are insulting them. If they have any sense, they won't do the offence again."
Pensioner Gustav Ernegger turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Braunschweig, Germany, after stealing a shirt.
But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.
Police spokesman Gunther Brauner said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."
The motorist told police he was Pope John Paul II, refused to get out of his car and turned his music up when they stopped him on a road just outside Baarn.
The officers said they could tell immediately he was not the Pontiff as the inebriated man was in his 50s.
And although the 83-year-old Pope speaks Dutch, he is known to do so with a strong Polish accent.
The motorist's son, who was in the passenger seat, managed to defuse the situation and persuade the bogus pontiff to get out of the car and face earthly justice.
Police confiscated the man's licence after he failed a breath test.
Officers rushed to the Westpac bank in Kingsford after the man said he heard screams from inside the building.
He told police he believed there was an armed robber inside.
But when the officers arrived at the bank, they found staff and customers leaping around after a mouse on the loose.
"We were just running trying to catch this mouse and then the police turned up," said one customer.
Inspector Daryl Irvin joked: "I don't believe the mouse was armed".
The rodent was eventually captured by staff and released, reports the news.com website.
There used to be links to these stories, but the news source they came from no longer exists, so they're here in full without links. (They're not current news stories.)
World's oldest joke book
A Cambridge academic has uncovered what is believed to be the world's oldest joke book.The third century book of gags from the Roman Empire is written in Greek and entitled Philogelos, which translates as Laughter Lover.
Professor Mary Beard says it debunks the popular myth that the Romans were 'pompous, toga-wearing bridge builders'.
"A lot of the books written during the Roman Empire were written in Greek and although they might not be side-splittingly funny, they do give us a fascinating insight," she told the Daily Telegraph.
Prof Beard, who came across it while researching ancient humour for a book, said the jokes were categorised into themes including 'the absentminded professor' and 'the charlatan prophet'.
"One of my favourite jokes from the book, and probably one of the longest, is about a barber, a professor and a bald man," she added.
Another dating back to 248AD when Rome held what was billed as the 'Millennium Games' - tells the story of a distraught athlete: "Never mind," says a spectator. "You can always try again at the next Millennium Games."
There is also an ancient version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch.
It reads: "A man buys a slave, who dies soon after. When he complains, the slave seller replies, "Well, he didn't die when I owned him"."
Chocolate-powered racing car
The world's first environmentally-friendly racing car, made of vegetables and powered by chocolate, will be launched next month.The 145mph ecoF3 has a steering wheel made of carrots, a body made of potatoes and a seat made of soybeans.
It is the first Formula 3 racing car designed and made from sustainable and renewable materials, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Designers hope the technology used in their car will be adopted by Formula 1 teams such as McLaren and Ferrari.
It uses plant-oil based lubricants and a biodiesel engine capable of running on chocolate and vegetable oil.
Vegetable fibres are mixed with resins to produce the car parts and the oils in the chocolate are refined to produce fuel.
The WorldFirst team, from Warwick University, hope racing chiefs will change the rules so they can compete in races next season.
The engine fails to meet current regulations because of its unusual fuel.
A team spokesman said: "We hope the Formula 1 teams will see that an environmentally friendly car is not necessarily a slow car.
"We expect our new materials to be used by the Formula 1 cars of the future."
'My interests include cooking dogs'
A survey of CV blunders reveals that job applicants are blowing their chances with gaffes such as listing their interests as "cooking dogs".
Experts found that 94% of job hunters risked missing out on vacancies through CV blunders such as poor spelling, grammar or presentation on their CVs.
Failure to use the comma led to embarrassing disclosures such as: "My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people."
In some cases, applicants' attempts to impress potential employers failed through the odd missed word, with phrases such as: "I was responsible for dissatisfied customers."
For others, the omission of a single letter consigned their CV to the dustbin: "I am a pubic relations officer."
From a sample of 450 CVs, researchers found that 81% were laden with spelling and grammatical errors, while nearly half were poorly laid out.
A mere six per cent were error-free, the study by career advisers Personal Career Management (PCM) concluded.
Mistakes were not confined to applicants for menial roles either - many of the CVs riddled with errors were drafted by CEOs, professionals and recent graduates, researchers said.
Corinne Mills, managing director of PCM, said: "Many of the people whose CVs end up in the waste paper bin are perfectly capable of doing the job. However, a poor CV means they will not get the opportunity to prove it.
"Why would anyone want to employ a lawyer or a secretary who makes spelling mistakes or errors? If they can't pay attention to their own CV, why would you trust them to work on any of your documents?"
PM's make-up routine left in cab
Confidential notes detailing how Gordon Brown should apply his make-up were left in a taxi.The file containing Mr Brown's toilette routine was inside an aide's rucksack found in the back of a black cab at King's Cross station in London.
The confidential documents, handed to The Sun by the cab driver, also contained notes on how to tackle the expenses controversy and a schedule for Mr Brown's visit to Yorkshire.
The make-up instructions were as follows:
1. Transparent Brush. Foam all over.
2. Small pot under eyes, dimple, creases, blend in.
3. Clinique. Super balanced make-up. All over again, like painting a wall, and ears. Shut eyes over lids then with make-up pad smooth over liquid.
4. Powder (dark brush) terracotta Guerlain, all over.
A Downing Street spokesman said: "The bag was left by a junior member of staff and was returned."
Laughing man prompts rescue bid
A helicopter rescue team was scrambled after screams were heard in a German forest - only to find a man laughing his head off at a new book.A woman dialled 999 after she thought she could hear someone being tortured at the woodland near Elmstein, western Germany.
But 'victim' Roland Hofmann was astonished when armed police surrounded his car which he had driven into the forest and ordered him to give himself up and release his hostage.
He told police he had gone to the forest to read "in peace and quiet".
"We realise that people think the sound of Germans laughing is unusual, but we're sure the caller meant well," said one officer.
TV licence demand sent to 16th century mathematician
A German mathematician who died 450 years ago has been sent a letter demanding that he pay for a TV licence. Germany’s GEZ sent the bill to the last home address of algebra expert Adam Ries, who bought the property in 1525."We received a letter saying ‘To Mr Adam Ries’ on it, with the request to pay his television and radio fees," said Annegret Muench, who now heads a club honouring the mathematician, which uses the house as its HQ.
Miss Muench returned the letter to the GEZ with a note explaining the request had come too late, as Ries had died in 1559. But she still received a reminder a few weeks later.
Red-faced police crack mystery
Irish police chasing a Polish driver who had apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences have discovered the embarrassing truth.Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious 'Prawo Jazdy' had always produced his documents - but with a different address each time.
However, they have now discovered that 'Prawo Jazdy' is Polish for driving licence, reports Metro.
An internal Garda memo, reported in Irish papers, said officers taking details of Polish traffic offenders had been mistakenly using 'Prawo Jazdy', printed in the top right corner of the driving licence, as the holder's name.
"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence," the police memo said.
"It is quite embarrassing to see the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities."
A Garda spokesman declined to comment on the reports.
Teen Attempts Robbery With Banana
A US teenager tried to rob an internet cafe with a banana – then ate the ‘weapon’ before he was arrested.Police say John Szwalla entered the shop in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, with the banana concealed under his T-shirt and demanded money, reports the BBC.
The shop’s owner and customers overcame the thief and called for help, but the teenager ate his banana before police arrived.
Officers joked they may charge the 17-year-old with destroying evidence.
Bobby Ray Mabe, the owner of the store, said police officials took pictures of the banana skin instead.
"If he had had a gun he would’ve shot me," Mr Mabe told the Winston-Salem Journal newspaper. "But he had a banana."
Mr Szwalla has been charged with attempted armed robbery.
Man learns to tell 'pigs' from cops
A New Zealand man who called police officers 'pigs' has been ordered to spend a day at a pig farm.The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.
The man was charged with using offensive language after he hurled abuse at police during a trip to Auckland.
Community Magistrate Robyn Paterson at Tauranga District Court ordered him to spend a day at a pig farm and present a short essay on his experiences, reports The Bay of Plenty Times.
According to the newspaper, he wrote: "I was very, very drunk. I have stopped drinking because of what happened. I have wasted the police's time and my time."
He maintained the word pig could be found in the Oxford dictionary and was often used to describe police.
But added he had learned 'that there is nothing at all in common with a pig and an officer'.
Maestro owner accused of 480mph speeding
A woman who drives a G-registration Austin Maestro has told of her shock after receiving a speeding ticket claiming she was travelling at 480mph.Joanna James, 28, was allegedly clocked as she drove along a road in Bridgend earlier this month.
The mother-of-three, who bought the silver-coloured car for £100 in June, said it started to shake when it reached the motorway speed limit of 70mph.
A spokeswoman for the South Wales Safety Camera Partnership said the speed given on the ticket was down to a clerical error and a rectified notice, stating 48mph, had been issued.
Mrs James, who had her three-year-old daughter Chloe in the car with her on the night of the alleged offence, said she had been shocked when the letter arrived because she had not believed she had been speeding at all.
"Then my husband said, 'Hang on, you were doing 480mph," said Mrs James, of Sandfields, Port Talbot.
Her husband, Kenneth, who carries out mechanical work on the car, said: "I am waiting for Nasa to ring up for the diagram of the engine."
Assault suspect says he's an independent country
An Illinois resident facing charges of assaulting a police officer, says he shouldn't go on trial because he's an independent country.Curtis Johnson, from Cary, faces four charges in relation to an incident in July.
It's alleged he scratched and pushed a police officer after a traffic stop.
Johnson claims he's not a US citizen - but a separate country.
He says the state's attorney doesn't have the jurisdiction to prosecute because he has diplomatic immunity.
Johnson is currently free on bail and is due in court on October 7.
Lovesick man 'stole ambulance to serenade girlfriend'
A lovesick Italian man stole an ambulance so he could serenade his girlfriend with its siren.The 38-year-old man, who has not been named by police, jumped into the empty ambulance after he spotted the keys in the ignition.
He drove to his girlfriend's flat in Jesi, near Ancona, switched on the siren and began singing romantic love songs.
Police were called by neighbours complaining about the noise and arrested the man.
A police spokesman said: "This has to be one of the most bizarre cases we have ever had to deal with.
"When we asked him why he had taken the ambulance he was quite open and said he wanted to serenade his girlfriend.
"He said he couldn't play any instrument, and he wanted a memorable way to romance the girl.
"Unfortunately his idea didn't go down well with the neighbours or the hospital, who wanted their ambulance back immediately."
Drivers made to hop like frogs
Truck drivers who are caught speeding in an Indian state are being made to hop like frogs.Police in Bihar dish out the humiliating punishments instead of taking offenders to court, reports Newindpress.com.
For the most popular punishment, leapfrog, speeding truck drivers have to sit on their haunches, hold their ears and hop for almost half a kilometre.
And the drivers are made to chant the name of the political leader they like most while they are being punished.
One policeman was quoted as saying: "If they remember their leader when they are being punished, it's like they are insulting them. If they have any sense, they won't do the offence again."
OAP shoplifter lacks bite
A 70-year-old shoplifter tried to evade capture by biting an arresting officer before realising he'd left his dentures at home.Pensioner Gustav Ernegger turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Braunschweig, Germany, after stealing a shirt.
But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.
Police spokesman Gunther Brauner said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."
Drink driver pretended to be the Pope
A drunk driver claimed spiritual immunity when he was pulled over in Holland by pretending to be the Pope.The motorist told police he was Pope John Paul II, refused to get out of his car and turned his music up when they stopped him on a road just outside Baarn.
The officers said they could tell immediately he was not the Pontiff as the inebriated man was in his 50s.
And although the 83-year-old Pope speaks Dutch, he is known to do so with a strong Polish accent.
The motorist's son, who was in the passenger seat, managed to defuse the situation and persuade the bogus pontiff to get out of the car and face earthly justice.
Police confiscated the man's licence after he failed a breath test.
Police find mouse after being called to Sydney bank
Police found a mouse in a Sydney bank after a passer-by reported what he thought was an armed robbery.Officers rushed to the Westpac bank in Kingsford after the man said he heard screams from inside the building.
He told police he believed there was an armed robber inside.
But when the officers arrived at the bank, they found staff and customers leaping around after a mouse on the loose.
"We were just running trying to catch this mouse and then the police turned up," said one customer.
Inspector Daryl Irvin joked: "I don't believe the mouse was armed".
The rodent was eventually captured by staff and released, reports the news.com website.
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